The Many Deaths of Yamato!
by Dragon Mistress
Summary: Finally! 'TMDOY' is back! For good this time, I hope... for those of you who have never read this, it's Yamato (Matt) dying again and again! Shounen-ai Warning!


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Digimon,Metallica, or anything else mentioned here. No money is being made off this.  
  
**Summary: **Here is a fic for everyone with an intense hatred of Yamato, or those of you who just want a good laugh! Enjoy!  
  
**Note:** Some of you may have already read these... ages ago I had it up as two separate fics, but then they made the rule about not having chapters as separate stories.... so I whomped everything together and added some new stuff! Enjoy!  
  
**Warning:** A **very gay** Yamato who dies an awful lot. You have been warned. Remember - if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Flames donated to my favourite warriors of fire, Sailor Mars, Tasuki, and Hikaru!  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
**The Many Deaths Of Yamato**   
  
  
It was a bright and sunny day and Yamato's dad asked him to go shopping for him. He handed Yamato a list containing TV dinners, milk, coffee, porn magazines, hot dogs, and other bachelor-like items. So Yamato grabbed a few hundred dollars and headed for the Inoue's convenience store.  
  
Miyako had just finished interviewing a new clerk for her dad. The guy was a little creepy, and he was an ex-con, but a whole hour had passed uneventfully, so he must be all right.  
  
Yamato came in and headed for the porn magazines right away. He got a zillion girly magazines for his dad (and some issues of things like _Naked Boy Toys_ and _The Dick Squad_ for himself) and moved on to TV dinners.  
  
The new clerk peered out of the storage room and saw Yamato. The clerk was filled with rage at the sight of him. He hated blond gay guys. So the clerk jumped out, screaming and wielding a lethal box cutter. He chopped Yamato up with it. Yamato died.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
(_To the tune of_ The Cat Came Back'.........)  
  
Yamato came back.........the very next day..........  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yamato was in New York City, visiting Mimi. He was taking a quick stop in Central Park to rest after an unforgettable hour with a male prostitute. He stopped at a hot dog cart and got himself a foot-long chili dog.  
  
Yamato sat down at a bench near a flock of pigeons. He tore off a piece of bun and threw it to the pigeons. The pigeons gobbled it up. Wanting more, they flew up in the air, dive-bombed Yamato, and pecked him to death. Yamato died. The pigeons settled down to their meal.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
(_To the tune of_ The Cat Came Back'.........)  
  
Yamato came back.........the very next day..........  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yamato wanted a fur coat. He walked into _Furs N' Such_, passing some animal-rights activists with signs stating things like, Fur is Murder! and Kill all Fur-Lovers!   
  
He looked at a dozen coats and finally chose a beautiful fox-fur coat (and by beautiful, I mean the fur was beautiful on the FOX, not as a coat). He forked over $10,000 to the clerk and left.  
  
Yamato had gone only two feet when one of the animal activists shouted, Get that scumbag!!! The protesters beat Yamato to death with their signs. Yamato died.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
(_To the tune of_ The Cat Came Back'.........)  
  
Yamato came back.........the very next day..........  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yamato went to a Three Stooges show. He knew the manager (and, in fact, had slept with him on several occasions), so he got to sit in the fifth row, in the middle of the theater, which was the best place to sit in the whole theater.  
  
The Stooges started their performance. About halfway through, Moe asked for a volunteer from the audience. Yamato jumped up, waving and yelling, Me....oooh, me! OK, the blond guy in the Teenage Wolves shirt, come up here. said Moe. Yamato squealed and ran onstage.   
  
Moe told him to stand on a giant X that was at one end of the stage. Yamato stood and waited. Moe, Larry, and Curly lined up a few feet away, armed with pies. They wound up and threw. Yamato opened his mouth to protest, and one of the pies got him straight in the mouth. A strawberry covered with a clod of whipped cream went down the wrong way, clogging up his throat, and Yamato choked to death.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
(_To the tune of_ The Cat Came Back'.........)  
  
Yamato came back.........the very next day..........  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Metallica had just shown up in Japan, ready for their concert. Yamato was eagerly awaiting the beginning of the concert (and hoping to have a little fun with Kirk after the show). He was right smack dab in the middle of the mosh pit, and everyone was super rowdy. Metallica came out onstage, and Yamato squealed when Kirk showed up, those long brown curls shining in the sun, shirt unbuttoned to reveal a tanned, muscular chest.......... and Kirk was wearing his kinky leather pants........... ooooooh............  
  
Metallica had been playing for about a half hour when some stupid kid jumped up and grabbed Kirk's guitar. Determined to protect his all-time favorite hottie, Yamato got on stage and tried to wrest the guitar away from the dumb kid. The kid shoved hard, and Yamato was impaled on the neck of Kirk's guitar!!! He died, but he got one last, long look at Kirk's ass, clad in tight leather...........  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
(_To the tune of_ The Cat Came Back'.........)  
  
Yamato came back.........the very next day..........  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
It was Superbowl Sunday, and Mr. Ishida had asked Yamato to grill up some burgers. Yamato, who was on the phone with Taichi, grabbed the economy-sized bottle of lighter fluid and went to start the grill.   
  
He was so preoccupied with his phone call (and his lustful thoughts about going over to Taichi's house and having some fun) that he didn't notice he had poured half the bottle of lighter fluid on the grill. He said goodbye to Taichi, lit a match, and tossed it on the grill.   
  
KA-BOOM!!!!!!  
  
A huge column of fire bloomed from the grill. Yamato died later of second and third degree burns all over his body.   
  
~*~*~*~*~  
(_To the tune of_ The Cat Came Back'.........)  
  
Yamato came back.........the very next day..........  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yamato had gone to France with Takeru and Taichi to visit Catherine. While Catherine and Takeru were shopping, Yamato and Taichi went to see the Eiffel tower. When they got there, Yamato was overcome by his lust for Taichi. He snuggled up to Taichi, stroking Taichi's thigh and whispering, Let's find a motel.......shall we? Taichi yelped, and took off running. Yamato chased him, convinced this little hard-to-get' thing was part of the foreplay.   
  
Taichi ran to the Eiffel Tower, where there were a bazillion people taking pictures. He mingled with the crowd, but he just couldn't lose Yamato. Taichi paid to get on the elevator, and went all the way to the top. After five minutes, there was still no sign of Yamato. He relaxed and leaned against the railing.  
  
Yamato finally reached the top of the tower and spotted Taichi. Panting with lust, Yamato ran up to him.   
  
Taichi heard Yamato coming. He turned around and there Yamato was, arms outstretched, crying, Come to me....... my Taichi-kun! Taichi shrieked and ducked. Yamato was going to fast to stop. He hit the railing full force, did a flip, fell over the side, and hit the cement plaza below. Ouch.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
(_To the tune of_ The Cat Came Back'.........)  
  
Yamato came back.........the very next day..........  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Taichi had been avoiding Yamato for a month. But now their whole class was on a trip to Italy, and Yamato was in his class. Taichi hung out with Sora and Koushiro a lot, hoping Yamato would leave him alone.   
  
Unfortunately, Sora was out shopping and Koushiro was at the Computer Expo. So Taichi had to fend for himself. He actually had a good day, eating pasta and touring Pisa. But then Yamato's Hottie Radar picked him up.   
  
Taichi fled, as Yamato chased him excitedly, calling, Please Taichi-kun, I have the hotel room! I have chocolate and champagne......... Taichi was panicking now, and headed to the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Maybe he could escape that madman.   
  
Yamato chased Taichi all the way there. Taichi ducked behind a bush, hoping his hair didn't stick up over it. Apparently it didn't, because Yamato stood in the shade of the Leaning Tower, scratching his head and looking around.   
  
Just then, a big, fat man holding a camera was trying to take a picture of his fat wife and kids in front of an all-you-can-eat pasta buffet. He backed up too far and his huge butt bumped the Leaning Tower. The tower wobbled dangerously, but Yamato didn't see it. His back was turned. The Tower fell over and squished him to a pancake. Ow.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
(_To the tune of_ The Cat Came Back'.........)  
  
Yamato came back.........the very next day..........  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Taichi's Science class was on a trip to the zoo. Mr. Fujiyama was putting the kids into groups of four. Taichi ended up with Sora, Koushiro, and.......Yamato. Taichi groaned inwardly. D'oh. Sora, Koushiro, and Yamato joined Taichi. Sora was wearing a cute yellow dress, and Koushiro was in a pair of khakis and a IBM t-shirt. But Yamato was another story entirely. He was wearing black, skintight leather pants, a see-through black shirt, and a pair of high-heeled black boots. Oh dear God. Plus black eyeshadow, black nail polish, and a ton of mascara. You know, the usual Yamato outfit!  
  
Where are we going first? Koushiro asked. Umm...... how about the Amazon Exhibit? Taichi suggested, standing as far away from Yamato as possible. The others agreed and they started off.  
  
When they got to the Amazon Exhibit, Yamato managed to snag the collar of Taichi's Triangle shirt, pulling Taichi to him. He kissed Taichi's neck and whispered, How about it? There's a nice little restroom right over there..... or we can hide in the bushes..... Taichi yelped, pulled away from Yamato, and bolted. Yamato took after him as Taichi ran into the exhibit, screaming. Run, Taichi, run! Koushiro and Sora yelled. Taichi ran into the Snake Room, with Yamato close behind, calling Ooooh....my Taichi-kun..... come to me, my dear..... Taichi saw a huge gaping hole right in front of him, with a sign that read, Caution! Snake pit! He jumped clear over it and landed safely on the other side. His legs felt like spaghetti and he collapsed, hearing Yamato coming closer.   
  
Yamato rounded the corner, and spotted Taichi. Yamato let out an excited squeal and kept running, eyes closed, arms held out, and lips puckered, ready for a kiss. But....... cried Yamato in alarm as he felt the ground disappear under him. He landed right in the pit! He heard a hissing noise. Umm...... who's there? he asked, trembling.  
  
All the snakes started biting him and in ten seconds their venom had killed him. Yamato died.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
(_To the tune of_ The Cat Came Back'.........)  
  
Yamato came back.........the very next day..........  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yamato was in the mosh pit at the Korn concert, crowd surfing. He loved the mosh pit because he could grab guys' asses and they didn't know it was him. Korn started up on Freak on a Leash and Yamato started headbanging enthusiastically. He climbed up on the railing and jumped, waiting for someone to catch him. Just then, a puff of wind blew Jonathan Davis' kilt over his head, and everyone turned to look. Yamato turned to look, landed on his side, and broke four ribs. They punctured his lungs and he died.   
  
~*~*~*~*~  
(_To the tune of_ The Cat Came Back'.........)  
  
Yamato came back.........the very next day..........  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
It was a sunny Saturday afternoon, and Mr. Ishida got called into the TV station. It was an emergency'. His workers were so stupid that even minor incidents like running out of coffee were considered an emergency'. Yamato had been helping his dad reshingle the roof, and when Mr. Ishida got called in Yamato decided to finish the job and surprise him. He started to pound in more shingles. He was happy, working in the sunshine, enjoying the silence, and daydreaming about Taichi. After another hour, he only had the edge of the roof to do. He carefully stood on the top step of the ladder and began.  
  
Jyou was late for his Saturday afternoon Geometry Functions class. He went running down the street and around the corner, dodging little old grannies and kids on bikes as he went. As he rounded the corner at Yamato's house, his heavy, bulging backpack hit Yamato's ladder. Not noticing, Jyou kept running.  
  
The ladder wobbled dangerously, and began to fall. Yamato grabbed at the edge of the roof, looking for something to hold on to. He caught the roof, but the sweat on his hands made him slip. He fell fifteen feet to the ground and cracked his head open. Yamato died.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
(_To the tune of_ The Cat Came Back'.........)  
  
Yamato came back.........the very next day..........  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
It was yet another sunny Saturday, and Yamato was taking a walk. He passed the drugstore, the Inoues' convenience store, and the ice cream parlor. He passed the tennis courts and the driving range, then turned down a path in the woods. He didn't notice the sign by the side of the path, because it was mostly blocked by bushes. It read, Danger! Archery Range Nearby!  
  
Yamato was admiring the trees and sniffing the pine-scented air. He heard several _twang!_ noises but dismissed them. He walked out into a clearing, then gulped. He had walked out onto the archery range!  
  
The archers hadn't had enough time to stop. Twelve arrows shot Yamato in the chest and he died. Even though they killed him, the archers were impressed with their aim on such short notice!  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
(_To the tune of_ The Cat Came Back'.........)  
  
Yamato came back.........the very next day..........  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yamato had gotten a job delivering papers. He wanted to save up enough money to buy a Kirk Hammett Signature ESP. The paper route was kinda long, and he had a lot of people to deliver to. The first week, he made 40 dollars! Sweet! With that kind of money, he could have that ESP in........ around twelve weeks! Yes! (The guitar cost about $900.)  
  
Several of the people on his route had dogs, but there was only one that Yamato had to worry about. The dog in question was named Fluffy' and was a 200 pound Doberman. Usually Fluffy was in the house or behind the six-foot, solid oak fence that surrounded the backyard. Yamato couldn't express in words how much he loved that fence.  
  
Sunday morning started as usual. Yamato got up at 6:00, kissed the picture of Taichi he kept on his night table, got dressed, and left to deliver the extra-heavy Sunday papers. His route went rather well and faster than usual. The fat man wasn't outside watering his lawn (he always did that in a Speedo), and Mr. Powers hadn't left his jock strap on the clothesline again. Pie Boy wasn't outside scrounging in the trash for leftovers, and the Sailor Moon maniac wasn't home. Sweet.  
  
He got to Fluffy's house, stopping to listen. He didn't hear any barking or loud panting. Good. Scarcely daring to breathe, he tiptoed up the porch steps to put the paper on the doormat.   
  
Fluffy was hiding around the corner of the house, also barely breathing. Fluffy's owner had forgotten to latch the gate last night, and now Fluffy was on the loose.   
  
As soon as Yamato had his back turned to the house, Fluffy pounced, barking furiously. Yamato tried to get on his bike and get away, but Fluffy caught him and ripped him to shreds. Yamato died.  
  
Fluffy's owner came outside later that day to get the paper. He saw his dog sleeping in the middle of a mangled, bloody mess. A bike and a paper boy's bag lay nearby.   
  
Oh shoot! I thought I forgot to lock that gate! said Fluffy's owner.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
(_To the tune of_ The Cat Came Back'.........)  
  
Yamato came back.........the very next day..........  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yamato, Koushiro, Taichi, Sora, Jyou, and Takeru were going bowling. Taichi refused to be on Yamato's team (understandably), but Yamato wasn't discouraged. Here's my chance to show Taichi-kun what a good athlete I am, he thought. Once he sees my talent at bowling, he'll have to love me!   
  
That happy thought in his head, Yamato picked up his ball and walked to the head of the lane, slipping his fingers in the ball's holes just like a professional. He looked at the pins, laughed, and yawned to show what an easy shot that was. He stepped back, got ready, and threw the ball. Only one problem - his fingers were still caught in the ball! Yamato was dragged down the lane and into the pin-sorting machinery. What the machine put down for the next player is better imagined than described.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
(_To the tune of_ The Cat Came Back'.........)  
  
Yamato came back.........the very next day..........  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yamato awoke to find himself in a horrible, unbelievable predicament.  
  
It was horrifying.  
It was awful.  
It made him vomit in terror.  
  
He was out of makeup.  
  
All of it! The mascara, the eyeshadow, the lipstick.... all gone!  
  
Oh God!!!! Yamato shrieked, pulling at his hair in fright. Oh God! He crumpled to the floor, still going, Ohgod ohgod ohgod ohgod........  
  
He finally managed to pull himself together. This crisis could not be averted! He needed to get out to the store and buy more makeup! He was supposed to go out tonight with his friends. Why would Taichi want to go out with someone who didn't wear makeup?  
  
He put on a huge pair of sunglasses, trying to hide his face as best he could. Then off he went to the Inoues' convenience store.  
  
Meanwhile a rather large biker man was in the makeup aisle of the Inoue's store. His girlfriend had the flu, but needed makeup. So this biker (we'll call him Bubba') had offered to get some for her. He consulted the list in his hand frequently, trying to make sure he was getting the right things. What was the difference between Sixteen-Hour-Long-Lasting-Ultra-Curl mascara or Ultra-Curl-All-Night-Ultra-Lift mascara?  
  
Yamato entered the convenience store, looking around furtively, hoping he wouldn't see anyone he knew. So far the only people he knew that were there were Miyako and Iori, but they were playing the UFO catcher game and didn't see him come in. With a sigh of relief, Yamato hurried down the makeup aisle.   
  
The aisle was mostly taken up by a very large man with long, scraggly brown hair and a scrubby brown beard, dressed entirely in leather. Yamato drooled. If it was one thing he had a weakness for (besides men), it was men in leather. To his immense pleasure, he noticed the large man was picking out makeup. Well! Yamato wanted a piece of this action.  
  
He sidled up to the large man and cooed, Hello, sweetie. Do you always come here?  
  
Bubba jumped and looked down at him.   
  
Yamato giggled and pressed himself against Bubba's arm. Mmm, that's cute!  
  
Bubba turned red. A gay man was hitting on him! So he did the only thing he could. He scooped Yamato up and threw him into the wall.  
  
Naturally, humans were not meant to hit walls at such high speeds. Yamato died.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
(_To the tune of_ The Cat Came Back'.........)  
  
Yamato came back.........the very next day..........  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yamato, Takeru, and their father were in England on holiday. For some reason, there were notices all around that warned everyone to stay inside on nights with a full moon. Yamato merely chuckled at these signs.  
  
These Brits don't know what they're talking about, he sniggered, completely ignoring another sign that night and leaving his hotel for a walk.   
  
Now, there was a good reason to forbid walks during the full moon. There was a werewolf in town! Of course, most of the population of England being Muggles, they thought it was just an ordinary wolf which liked to run around at the full moon. They were too stupid to believe in werewolves.  
  
As Yamato was leaving for his walk, said werewolf, Remus Lupin (aka Moony), was wandering down the street with his best friend, a large black dog named Padfoot (aka Sirius Black). Moony wasn't a bad werewolf. It was just that the townspeople often heard him and Padfoot howling at night and suspected he _was_ a bad werewolf.  
  
I don't even do half my howling as a wolf, Remus had mumbled many times.  
  
Yamato turned off the cobbled street he had been walking on and turned down an abandoned dirt road.  
  
Oh, geez, look at all the werewolves, he said sarcastically, and started to laugh. He kept laughing as he walked, but then he tripped over something.  
  
What the-  
  
He turned to look, and laughed. Halfway hidden in shadow was a wolf.  
  
he sniggered. What are you doing here?  
  
But then the wolf emerged from the shadows. It was not Garurumon. It was Moony, with Padfoot at his heels. Yamato shrieked like a girl and started to run.  
  
Moony and Padfoot barked happily and chased him. That is, until he jumped off a cliff and fell on the pointy rocks below.  
  
said Moony.  
  
  
  
THE END!  



End file.
